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          Falstaff

What time is it, my boy?

          Prince Hal

What the hell does it matter to you what time it is? Unless hours were glasses of wine, minutes were chickens, clocks were whores’ tongues, sundials were whorehouse signs and the sun itself were a hot woman in a flame-coloured dress, I don’t see any reason why you would need to know the time.

A little memory before going to bed.

Anonymous

Anonymous asked:

Falstaff, Did it sting when Hal ended your bromance? I hope it did. Your former friend (guess who).

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I swear, give a boy a crown, and he’s the King of the world. 

Yes, I realize how that sounds.

But really, the boy may have been born a prince, but he was raised in town, not in the castle. He was raised under my care. Really, take a look at how lonely he is without me

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The fog rolls around him as he kneels, head back, knowing he’s all alone.

What does it matter if I pretended to kill Hothead? You never planned on taking the credit anyway! And what did killing Hothead gain me? A higher status. And what was I able to do with a higher status? Drinking my way through the bar was certainly fun, but whenever I wasn’t doing that, I could walk the castle.

Nowadays, Hal thinks he’s so smart. But his wits still do not match mine. Having free rein of the castle meant more time with him. Is it so much to think that that is why I took credit for old Hothead? 

But no, that was not enough. That Hal that use to image

no longer existed. He became ashamed of his boyhood because he became ashamed of me! And his boyhood was nothing without me. I gave him love. Not only my own, that that of others! His people would not love him if I hadn’t raised him.

 And all that I can say, if this is how he reacted when his biological father died

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Then he must be unfuncitonable nowadays.

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He’s suffering through life without me. He’ll come back.

Anonymous

Anonymous asked:

Hey man, what's up with your email address?? you don't look like a fairy to me..

And this doesn’t look like Benedict Cumberbatch

But it is. Some things in life aren’t always what they appear. Get over it.

Then again, somethings are. Poins offered to help with my “integration” into technology. Email was the first thing we tackled, and what can I say…That I never knew he was creative enough to put “rabid” and “fairy” together? Needless to say, I do my own coding now.

Anonymous

Anonymous asked:

Peasant go home you're drunk

It seems people enjoy sending me a lot of messages along these lines. But this amuses me because it implies that anyone else on this website isn’t a drunk peasant. And let’s be honest. Tumblr folk are the poorest of the world.

And hence, the most amusing.

Anonymous

Anonymous asked:

Yo Falstaff! What's up with the modern lingo?

Before I started this blog, Bardolph thought it might be a good idea to become familiar with the lexicon of today. Some Bray fella with a book about a cow or something helped immensely, but I must say, my favorite resource to use is an Urban Dictionary Poins found…

Anonymous

Anonymous asked:

Hey Falstaff! Hal tells me you two like to pull pranks. What's the funnest prank you've ever done or had pulled on you?

Son, the first thing for you to understand is that no one pulls a prank on me. I have fabulous instinct.

As for the funniest prank I’ve done…well, it was a significant amount of years ago, back when Hal was still an impressionable boy (no appreciation then, either). Poins had spent the day buying drink after drink, while I watched, even though the rascal owed my after he lost a fight to a 12 year old boy. That was the day Hal began fighting for me. Anyways, I was in a pissy mood, and when he left for the baths later, I took my chance. 

Hal fetched Adriana, a young maiden Poins had been courting. I told her that Poins meant to go out with her after he finished bathing, so she stood outside and waited, all pretty and fluttering. Meanwhile, I took his clothes (and others for good measure) from the baths. I then went to the officials of the town (the police in those days), and told them that there was a man in the baths that was, well, use your imagination…

So the police rushed in and out flushes Poins. Right into Adriana’s arms. Poor fella couldn’t even find a towel on his way out. Adriana, of course, squeals and runs off down the street. And I laughed as Poins’ sagging behind jiggled as he ran after her. 

But that’s not even the best part. Hal was crouching around a corner, up the street. All he did was stick out his foot, and…SPLASH right into a pile of muck. Imagine everyone’s reaction when he got up and all of him was covered in sewage. I swear, he never got rid of the stench.

Anonymous

Anonymous asked:

Falstaff, tis I, Hotspur from the other side.

Well, then, get out of the “other side” or where ever the hell you are. Our King seems to be channeling you from your current position-only pompous gits kick their best friends out of court. 

I don’t like getting kicked out of court. But I really hate it when best friends channel evil spirits.

Anonymous

Anonymous asked:

Dear Falstaff Have you considered attending an AA meeting? You need help.

I understand you are calling me an alcoholic anonymous. This would surely not do because, I, Falstaff, declare my love for Ale to all.
You, on the other hand, might want to do some thinking…You’re already halfway there… 

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